“They’re so loud and ghetto,” my friend said at the lunch table. “Who?” I asked. She nodded her head to the group of black girls behind us. “Oh,” I responded, beginning to feel uncomfortable. “I don’t mean you! You’re not like those girls,” she quickly responded. I laughed it off awkwardly as the lunch table talk continued, but my mind continued to wander. What did she mean by that? How am I different from the rest? Up until this point, I had taken this as a compliment, but for some reason, the sickly feeling in my stomach began to grow.
As a black woman in the United States, I have had many bad experiences due to the color of my skin. However, some of these experiences did not even register as “bad” until months to years later. This is because when people think of racism, their minds fill with images of hate crimes and blatant disrespectful language, but it is not always that explicit. This country was built on racism, and it is ingrained into the minds of its citizens, whether they know it or not. Through personal and shared experiences, I have compiled a list of the top 6 things to avoid when talking to a black person.
1.) Generalize
There are many stereotypes about black people that constantly circulate, and these stereotypes feed into implicit biases that people are not consciously aware of. Examples would include, black people are poor, lazy, live off the government, and the list goes on. As a cashier at a grocery store, you wouldn’t believe the amount of people who tell me these things as if they were proven fact. It is already surprising enough to hear it, but the fact they knew I was black and said it anyways? Bold choice. I remember a specific incident in which I was checking out a black woman who happened to be using a food stamp card. Her card was having some difficulties, so it delayed the transaction. When I finished, my next customer was an older white male. I started off by saying “sorry for the delay,” he then jokingly rolled his eyes at me and said, “I’m glad that you’re here earning an honest wage, unlike some people,” referring to my previous customer. As the rage bubbled inside of me, I fought to stay silent. He doesn’t know her situation or anyone else’s. Who was he to judge or make assumptions about how she lives, solely based on the color of her skin? It doesn’t take a genius to realize that everybody is their own person, and their skin color isn’t enough to group them into one large category. Have some common sense and confront your implicit bias while you’re at it.
2.) Appropriate Culture
My favorite example of this is the Kardashians. A few years back there was a huge controversy when Kim had two braids in her hair and called them ‘boxer braids’. Young, impressionable girls were eating it up and posting themselves with the hottest new style. However, the style was not new at all, in fact, they were cornrows, a hairstyle with history dating back to the slave era. There was no issue with her wearing the style, the problem came when she renamed it and tried to claim it as her own. Following this incident, social media comment sections were flooded with people either attacking or defending her. Nonblack people claim that our frustration stems from wanting to “gatekeep” our culture. In reality, we just want credit where it’s due. If I took a Louis Vuitton bag, renamed it, and began selling it as my own design, all hell would break loose. That’s exactly what people are doing when they take black culture and fail to acknowledge its origin. It’s good to appreciate culture and give credit where it’s due, but taking the culture is a big no.
3.) Use Racial Slurs
It is 2021 and some people still do not understand that they cannot use the n-word if they are not black. My favorite arguments include, “It’s just a word, if black people can say it, why can’t we?” or “If you don’t want people to say it then you shouldn’t use it at all.” These comments frustrate me because it seems so obvious, but when I take a step back, I guess I can understand their confusion. Students go through many years of history classes, learning about the slave era and segregation, but they rarely learn about its presentday effects in the lives of African Americans. Racism today has become a controversial topic, and like most controversial topics in this country, the discussion tends to be avoided. As a result, race education in nonblack individuals is limited, and this is where their ignorance lies. Luckily, ignorance isn’t permanent, and can be solved by learning new information. That being said, the n-word is offensive to African Americans because of its deep-rooted history in slavery. Black people have since “reclaimed” the word for themselves, as a way for it to be empowering rather than degrading. As a nonblack person, not saying the n-word shows acknowledgment of this country’s history, and respect for black people. If you aren’t black, please don’t say the word.
4.) Expect Them to Educate you
I have found that people tend to lean on black people for information on black people, but they fail to realize that it is not our job. I have experienced this so often, especially recently with the protests that went on in June. People were very vocal about their opinions on the protests, and whenever I tried to understand their point of view, they had no reliable information to back up their claims. Once I realized that there was no point in arguing with an uninformed person, it turned into a mini history lesson with them asking me their burning racial questions. It makes me angry most times because for them it’s harmless, and for us, we have to continually unpack the trauma that is black history with every explanation. I can only speak for myself on this, but I have no issue educating someone who is genuinely curious, but it’s not my responsibility to be someone’s main source of information, especially when Google is free. Black history is a part of United States History, and as citizens, we should all be responsible for educating ourselves.
5.) Backhanded Compliments
These would include “you’re pretty for a black girl,” or “you aren’t like the others, you’re one of the good ones.” That second one seems unrealistic, but I have heard it on various occasions. It’s unbelievably rude and ignorant to make any comment like this. To some, these genuinely do seem like compliments. When I was younger, I was flattered to hear that I was an “oreo” because I was “white on the inside, black on the outside.” Looking back, this was extremely racist and I am sad to say that I still get comments like this often. Let’s break this down. People said that I was white because I used proper grammar and sounded educated. This insinuates that they believe black people are ghetto and uneducated. See where the racism comes in? If you think she’s pretty, just say that. What does race have to do with it?
6.) Tell Them How to Feel About Something that Affects Them
Nowadays, it’s no surprise when a celebrity’s racist past is exposed. Everyone knows the drill: they said the n-word in 2008, they issue a public apology, people forgive them, and everything is ponies and rainbows. However, the funny part is that the people doing the forgiving, aren’t even black. I am so sorry to tell you, but that is not your place. How can you accept an apology that was never meant for you to begin with? If I want to be upset that my favorite celebrity does not have respect for me or everyone else that looks like me, I have the right to do so. No one should be telling me how I’m supposed to feel, especially when it doesn’t concern them. Situations like these are awkward because no one wants to have the conversations. This is the reason we see so many famous people with racist pasts who are still making millions. However, it’s everyone’s responsibility to hold them accountable, especially because of their large influence. It’s harder to confront racism than it is to ignore it, but whenever it comes time to make that decision, the black community has the final say.
